jealous

I’m able to write this post now because enough time has passed. When I heard this song, I was in awe of this young man’s insight and strength. He found a way to say what I was too scared to say myself. If you are prone to tears, I warn you that this is a tear jerker. But, I’ve been wanting to write and share it because the message is so beautiful, and complex, and worth sharing.

—-

I was procrastinating on the internet, as one does from time to time. Seeking distraction, I clicked on a link to a video of an XFactor performance of a 21-year old young man. Sitting through the usual introductions…why are you here, what are you singing… we learn that he had lost his best friend and was re-interpreting the song, Jealous, by Labyrinth. And then I heard this song. Tears poured as I related to the experience of this brave young man and his courage to see what I had been scared to say. I am jealous that B never had to learn to live without us. I’m jealous that he never had to witness our suffering; that he never had to sit helpless and unable to fix or fill all that crumbled. That he is now free.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH (you can skip the commercial after a few seconds)

__

I was the lucky one. I had the privilege of believing that I would get to see my kids through high school, the expectation of getting to know who they would become someday. I had the freedom of being able to eat, walk and sleep without pain. I had the luxury of looking into a future with me in it - the ability to plan and grow and see things through. I did not suffer as B suffered. Not just that… I also had the privilege of caring for the man I loved, through thick and thin, through whatever it takes. I had the gift of knowing what it means to truly love, serve, align, in the quiet of the night, when I was too tired, and no one is watching.

B left too early; in pain and unfinished. And yet he left full of spirit; complete in his earnestness; fully spent in all he was capable of. He harvested every last opportunity of his purpose during his last 17 months. He was as fulfilled as a human could be.

And yet here I sit, picking up the pieces without B. Setting a tone of positivity while respecting our loss; maintaining the boundaries for the kids so they can hold onto their childhood. Figuring out rides and camps and school requirements without a counterpoint to my leanings. After all I witnessed; after all we shared, how could I express any sentiment other than gratitude? It does not seem possible.

This interpretation of this song. I marvel at how art and music convey what cannot be communicated in any other way. How truly shared experience can free the soul.

—-

And then, I am grateful once again. For the opportunity to face this cavern in my chest, and walk on. What lies ahead of us will only be more meaningful, more real, because of B. For me now, life is slower, and in technicolor. Time does not fly by; it paces at an intentional crawl. A week ago seems a lifetime; so many moments since then. It is a gift from this strange, amazing, and simple man who shared 16 years with me. I suppose I am the lucky one after all.

___

And so is the cycle of life and grief and love.