goodness wins!

You all rock!

As the day of the anniversary of B’s death grew closer, the clouds seem to darken and I had this ominous sense of foreboding. Last year at that time was horrific - a tense suspension of unknown, full of pain and connection. Hope for recovery was gone and the goal was to be loving and present no matter how brutal reality became. Somehow we did it.

Last week when I wrote that we would be lighting a candle for B, I wanted to share how we would be remembering him. I could picture the flame as his life still with us here. On afterthought I invited others to light a candle in B’s memory too. I know there are others out there also missing him. I also posted this invitation on his Facebook page, realizing that B had many connections who are not reading this blog.

I did not expect what followed. The first picture of a candle came from Abby, and I was so touched it made me cry. It had not occurred to me that anyone would send a picture. Then more pictures of candles, and texts and emails of hope and comfort filtered in throughout the day. Candles were lit by mutual friends and family, by friends of mine who barely knew B, by friends I hadn’t seen in years, by friends of B who I barely knew. I felt so buoyed and comforted by those flames. I could feel them all flickering together, not just in B’s memory, but in memory of all of those we have all lost and missed, for my mom who also passed while B was sick. I felt connected to all of those other people remembering who they also mourn. And it made me feel part of a bigger light.

For me over the past year my life often felt still in suspension - it felt like a period of change and grief that we needed to get through to get to another destination; I expected that someday we would arrive in some post-grief new normal. And then this book came in the mail yesterday from Daniela (When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron) and the quote on the back spoke to me instantly. It helped me to see that we had already landed each day when we woke up again. We have always been in our “off-center, in-between state,” a place where we shall forever remain. Our destination.

I’ve shared the quote below; maybe it will speak to you too.

Thank you for all of the goodness and love showered upon our family. We are so grateful.

NW

——-

“Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up the way we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit.”

Pema Chodron in When Things Fall Apart