how are the kids doing?
I’m completely objective and have no motherly bias whatsoever, so I feel secure in confirming that my two are the most amazing children in the universe. No offense - yours are awesome too.
Being a kid is a hard thing - there is so much to learn and they don’t know the rules of the world or the ways of adults. Growing up is all the more difficult when tragedy strikes, as happens to many families in our own little spheres and around the world.
Kids may not have a language for what they see; maybe because often they don’t have context to know whether their experience is unique; it’s just their experience. When I was growing up, we had five Siamese cats. I did not think this was a lot of cats; they were just our cats. It was only after I became a young adult did I realize that most people who have cats do not have five of them.
It would be hard for a preteen, who is biologically wired to focus on their own experience and priorities, to have a clear view of what they are missing. I know acutely what my kids are without now that B is gone because I can imagine what he would have been saying or doing, or partnering with me about. This is less clear to the kids day to day, when they wake up and mom is still there, the lunch is still made, school still happens, and basketball, karate, soccer and math club still fill evenings and weekends. And yet, this loss.
We are navigating the newness, the loss, and the rebeginning as best we can. The two sparks of light in my care blow my mind regularly. The impact of their loss arises in ways I rarely see coming. I would love to share specific stories of this rebuilding together, and I know they would touch your heart as they have touched mine. Just over the weekend, we had a defeat and a triumph and then a celebration that showed me a new dimension to just how caring and connected my kids are. It gave me belief that, although I may be continually surprised by the path, things will be OK.
But, I am not sharing the story, because I feel a mama bear protective instinct over the kids’ privacy at this time. It is beautiful how many people have shown them caring over the past few years, and it is totally fine to ask, but, depending upon time and place, I may be pretty general in my answer.
If you happen to connect with B, could you kindly let him know that his kids are him, and they are also completely themselves, and that they would be making him very proud. After all, these two kids are objectively, the best. Oh, and yours are too.