FREE PASS on "what (or not) to say"
I have seen numerous articles on what to say and what not to say to people suffering through a likely terminal diagnosis, or people who are grieving. I am glad these perspectives are teaching readers what it can be like living inside grief… Before I was the one grieving, I read some of these articles thinking that they could help me to be supportive of others.
I am also concerned about the potential unintended consequence of these perspectives. I worry that they lead some to fear about saying the wrong thing. This feels sad to me, because it can insert an unnecessary wall between good intentions.
For what it’s worth, and this is just for me, but here is how I see it:
It’s ok to ask how i’m doing. Some people, especially those who have been through grief themselves, want to know how I am doing. I find this to be kind and supportive, and I appreciate the opportunity to share the experience with others. If it’s a tough moment for me to share, I’ll just say that, and it doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong.
It’s ok not to ask how I’m doing. Grief is a steady constant but I don’t need to talk about it with everyone or all of the time. I’m happy to talk about the weather, sports, work, vacations, Downton Abbey, or whatever else we have in common. I don’t think this belittles the experience or insults me or B in any way. I am grateful for our connection.
Don’t worry about what you say. It’s hard to predict when something will strike a positive or negative cord; that’s true for anyone about any topic. If we have a mismatch, I will receive the positive intention and then let go of the rest. I hope you can do the same with me; I know I don’t always say the right thing.
I like you and trust your intentions. If you are at all using some of your limited moments of this precious life reading my musings on this self-reflective blog, I am grateful for your kindness. I only assume the best of intentions no matter what you do or say. In fact, even if in the extremely unlikely scenario that you do not have good intentions, I don’t really care. I’m going to assume you have good intentions anyway.
A re-shift. I am spending more time in connection with other people. Happiness research tells us that human connection is what leads to fulfilling lives, but we don’t need research to tell us that this is true. I’m trying to chose connection and coffee over busy and schedules more often than I used to. Of course, this is not always realistic, but I am trying.
I am behind on my thank yous. But thank you. I hope I am able to share back the generousity and compassion that has been shown to us.
So, think this post is just a big long way of saying: FREE PASS.
Peace and sunshine to you.