if you talk with b
I’ve had a few dreams from B lately. In them I know he is gone; he is on the other side and yet I am still able to connect with him. A few times it’s been seeing him there with us and once he talked with me.
Cancer is a mean beast, and both the symptoms from treatment and disease are devastating. Bart was stoic and uncomplaining, but I have struggled a great deal with the suffering that B endured throughout his cancer odyssey, and especially during his final weeks. A few nights ago, in my dream, B told me that I needed to stop worrying about his suffering. He said that it had to be that way; that the only way he could let go enough to leave us was to have the suffering be so bad that he couldn’t stay in this life anymore. Was this my own mind finding a way to give me relief? Or did B’s spirit find me? Is that a thing? There is no way to ever know, but I woke up feeling relieved.
I have a small stack of things I’d like to talk with B about, but these never come up in the dreams. Pesky B only shows up to talk when I’m not conscious for the conversation.
So, if you happen to connect with B and you are in a conversing mood, these are some of the things I’d like to be able to tell him:
The electronics kit that he thought I lost wasn’t really lost and I found it a few days after he died; it was in the hallway closet.
The Thai place down the street finally did open, ironically on the weekend of his services. It’s really good.
He forgot to leave the password for his laptop, but I went to the Apple store, got instructions, and figured out how to reset it myself.
I have new appreciation for what he shouldered taking care of our taxes every year - thank you.
I got the clock fixed in the Subaru, and now we don’t have to subtract an hour and six minutes to know the time anymore.
T (who used to skip lunch altogether) is now asking for breakfast and also two whole sandwiches in his lunch every day. B would find this very amusing.
The soccer season started and T kicked the ball into the net on her first practice. A first.
It’s sharing the day to day things that I miss the most.
Peace to all.
NW