a few days past Valentine's Day

What makes Christmas special isn’t just the time on Christmas itself, or even one season. It is getting out the ornaments again, it’s the carols, the eggnog, the holiday cards; the memories of all past Christmases in one. It’s running to the tree as a young girl, and then taking videos of my own little ones racing down the stairs three decades later. It’s Christmas Eves of yore and experienced again this year at with the Thiessens and the Linwoods in Pittsburgh.

Perhaps it can be the same for Valentine’s Day. This February I thought of all of my past Valentine’s Days, and the privilege I had of having such a sweet and solid love force as a partner for so many years. On the last V-Day we celebrated, B and I went to Tryst for dinner in Arlington. At that point we knew that traditional treatments were no longer working but B still looked and seemed mostly himself. He wanted to sweet and happy dinner for his likely last Valentine’s Day. How do you not give that to your love?

But then again, how do you silence the voice in your brain screaming, pounding, stamping - This is your last one with him! What horror lies ahead? How can everyone in this restaurant be eating so serenely when the sky is falling??? You silence that voice because it is what needs to be done… because when your husband is dying you let him choose the rules. Period. After all, you are the lucky one who has future Februaries. This is where the paths diverge between the leaver and the one who continues on - the separation of experience begins long before the actual moment of passing.

Now. Here I am in one of hopefully many future Februaries. Truthfully, Valentine’s Day wasn’t a devastating a day for me. Is Valentine’s Day not the holiday of love? Is my life not full of love? Aren’t holidays actually the past, present, and future of each holiday… and not the just this day of this year? Isn’t Valentine’s Day also the potential of sending February chocolates to my grand children or great grandchildren years from now?

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New England in 2020 has been strangely snowless and relatively kind. The kids are on February break and I have a week respite from figuring out what to pack in lunches each day. The kittens are growing, Callie is too jumpy, and Lexi barks randomly at loud noises. The kids and I are watching The Arrow together and I am finally finishing Blacklist on my own. I am listening to a ridiculous number of books on Audible and trying to eat fewer potato chips. One kid does homework and the other fights homework and both are becoming young teens. This transition exhilarates, devastates, accosts, and assures me.

We are as full as we can be. This is my Valentine.

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And here is my valentine to you… this performance of Hallelujah by KD Lang seems to express the joy and sadness of hope and life and love to the painful core… in the way that makes you feel grateful for Februaries.

(CLICK HERE for Hallelujah by KD)

Tell me what else is your Valentine!

Nancy WiseComment