from in a pandemic

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, primarily because I have not wanted to be very reflective of where I am and how I am feeling. There has been no time since B’s death that I have felt his absence more acutely than in this pandemic. It’s a strange thing to say, but B would have been a beacon in a time like this - and not just to me.

B had a PhD in biology and understood biological systems. He was curious and a researcher at heart - with the patience to scour through scientific articles, understand them, and apply the results to real world thinking. He worked in the biotech/pharma industry and understood the processes of development, regulation, and production of treatments and vaccines. He understood statistics and modeling. And if we aren’t already rolling our eyes at his scientific knowledge, he was also an attorney who understood government policy with regard to all of the issues above. And on top of all of that he was a stable, grounded, compassionate human, who was also a clear thinker and communicator. Who could be better to help you make sense of your life in a pandemic?

I don’t mean to sound like i’m idealizing B. If you were walking into another crisis, he would be fine but maybe not your best choice. For instance, if you were required to survive in the woods for 18 months, he would have been a great asset, clever and determined, strong and practical, but not actually very skilled with building and making things. In addition to all of the above, B was not a great cook, an unsteady swimmer, and at a loss when managing household paperwork. But for a pandemic, if there were a panel of a thousand people and everyone could choose one person to help them and their family to understand what was happening, make decisions, evolve decisions with new information, and maintain structure in their lives, I bet that there would be a run on B. He would have been a hero in a pandemic.

So, the hours I have spent pouring through information have been painful for me to do without him. I’ve been trying to apply the skills and perspective I have learned from him. Seek real sources; question assumptions in most media. Think about today and the long term. Think about the most vulnerable, the economy, the healthcare system. Find ways to stay sane. Keep a clear head. Enjoy a cup of coffee.

Because we went through an extended tragedy through B’s death, our family has learned a lot about our own resilience. I don’t worry whether we’re going to be OK; I know that we will be. I understand that this deeply rooted security is a freedom that is born from our own privilege of relative health and financial security and also of our access to intellectual and emotional resources. This is also a gift that B gave us as he modeled facing the worst truth of his life with courage and dignity.

But these are difficult times and all of us are tired. That is to say that even if I knew I could do it, reading all of the articles, making all of the decisions, weighing all of the alternatives has been a painful process. I have relied on numerous text threads and phone calls, and would be at a loss without the great input from friends and family. But that all said, every decision for our little family unit weighs on me alone in a way that is piercing and poignant. For me it can be a grief trigger to be the one to get us to the table three times a day with a healthy meal, to make the chart and keep the spirits, to order the last disinfecting wipes literally available on the internet.

We aren’t doing this perfectly. I’m really busy with work, the kids are on screens too much, and we have no home-school happening at all. That said, we are eating each meal at the dining room table and we are playing games. We play a family game each day at breakfast and at other times of the day ad hoc - Parcheesi, Qwirkle, Phase 10, Uno, Five Crowns, 10 Days in Europe, Splendor, Settlers of Catan, etc.. TG used to play Risk with B and he is eager to teach TE and me. Games have gotten us through tough times before, and they are there for us again now. When we play we are talking and laughing, arguing and eating. The kids don’t understand the role their dad would have played in a pandemic, and they are mostly focused on their friends, their YouTube interests, and what snacks we still have.

So, I guess that’s the update from the Wises. It’s been sad for me, but we are all OK, doing well even considering the circumstances. I am grateful. Would love to hear how you are and what you’re doing to stay sane.

Sending so much love,

NW